Procure Me Some Christmas!
by Inuyoshie
Summary: Grimmjow and Ulquiorra are sent on a super important mission to the human world during Christmas and get suckered into helping out some orphans. What happens next? Insanity! Very late Christmas present for Xx.White.Stripes.xX GrimXUlqui please R


Inuyoshie's Belated Christmas Special!

For .… I hope I got all of your requirements.

Title: Procure Me Some Christmas!

Pairing: GrimmjowxUlquiorra

Rating: I for Insanity

* * *

Location: Hueco Mundo

Time: December 26th, 2009, 2:35 PM (approximately)

Aizen stared down at Grimmjow and Ulquiorra. He looked mightily displeased.

"So why exactly did you two come back from the mission I sent you on covered in snow and porcupine quills, and without procuring that which I sent you to procure?" he demanded. Grimmjow had an odd look on his face as he brushed the snow off of his shoulders awkwardly. Aizen's stance made him nervous. As did his constant use of the word procure.

"Lord Aizen, my deepest apologies," Ulquiorra (damn suck up) bowed. "We ran into some… difficulties"

"Explain." Aizen ordered.

"Well, it kinda started like this…"

* * *

Location: Human world. Trinity Wisconsin.

Time: December 24th, 2009, 5:50 PM

Snow swirled around Grimmjow and Ulquiorra as they stepped out of the garganta and onto the snow covered streets of some random human town. Grimmjow shuddered, cursing.

"Why the fuck is it so cold?" he hissed.

"It's winter," Ulquiorra replied easily.

"No shit!" Grimmjow snapped.

"If you knew that, why did you ask?" Ulquiorra demanded.

"Fuck off," Grimmjow growled. Ulquiorra sighed.

"Hurry up, we need to procure Lord Aizen's-," he said in a bored monotone.

"Fuck Lord Aizen," Grimmjow muttered. Ulquiorra twitched.

"Do silence yourself," he said coldly. "Trash."

"Well who pissed in your tea sunshine?" Grimmjow asked.

"No one. Now hurry up." Ulquiorra retorted, an icy bite behind his words.

"Oooh did I hit a nerve?" Grimmjow smirked, sensing he was onto something as they walked through the snow.

"No." Ulquiorra replied calmly. "But if we don't hurry, that which Lord Aizen asked us to procure will be gone," Grimmjow rolled his eyes as they walked along the slippery streets. The streets were full of people, together laughing and red faced. Large groups of people sang irritating songs on almost every corner. Images of some fat guy in red were all over the place, smiling and waving and saying 'ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!' and other nonsense-y things. Winged statues, some stable with a bunch of guys in dresses surrounding a woman holding a baby, and reindeer all stood in the freezing cold.

"What the fuck is wrong with all the humans?" Grimmjow wondered.

"I believe it is some kind of festival for them," Ulquiorra replied. "Keep your voice down, we're in gigai,"

"I know, the gigai is damn uncomfortable," Grimmjow muttered. "I wish I could take it off," Ulquiorra twitched again.

"Silence. We're almost th-" Ulquiorra was about to finish when he stepped on a patch of ice and slipped. He bumped into Grimmjow and they both fell in the snow. Grimmjow's head hit the pavement with a sickening crack. Gasps arose from all those around them. Ulquiorra slowly sat up, brushing snow off of his pristine uniform and stared at Grimmjow. He wasn't moving.

"Hey." Ulquiorra said. "Trash, get up,"

Grimmjow didn't move.

"Stupid trash wake up!" Ulquiorra snapped.

Grimmjow still didn't move.

"Damn you-"

"Mister, maybe you should try not calling him 'trash'," A little boy all bundled up in a warm jacket advised Ulquiorra. The normally stoic man turned on the child, looking very pissed off.

"Si-"  
"Yeah, you should be nice, it's Christmas!" another kid added.

"Yeah!" more kids surrounded them. Where the hell were these children coming from?

They all started congregating around Grimmjow.

"HE's breathing! " one announced.

"Someone get a grown up," another said.

"But Sister Liza left already! She's gonna have her baby!" a little girl exclaimed. "We have no grownups!"

The group of children (there were about twenty) all turned to Ulquiorra with shiny eyes.

"What do you expect me to do?" Ulquiorra demanded.

"Help us!" they all chanted. Ulquiorra suddenly felt very cornered.

"Besides, there's a scary snow storm tonight, so we need an adult! And you can stay at our orphanage for free!" another kid added. Ulquiorra cringed, and sighed.

"…I suppose," he muttered.

"Yaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the kids all cheered. Ulquiorra hefted Grimmjow over his shoulder and followed the mob of children back to a rundown brick building a block or so away. Its interior was simple, with a thin carpet, a warm fireplace and a large tree covered in tinsel and shiny orbs. Brightly wrapped packages all were piled under it. There was a doorway leading to a large kitchen, and then a hall leading to some bunk beds off to the left. A couch was pushed against one wall, and Ulquiorra set Grimmjow on it. In a cage next to the tree was what Ulquiorra identified as a porcupine. An old TV was plugged in across from the couch, and some show was on.

"Ooh look, it's A Charlie Brown Christmas!" one kid announced.

"Yaay!" Another kid giggled.

"Ah, I'm going outside,"

"Me too!

"Snowball fight!"

"Yeaaaah!"

Soon about ten of the children had ran outside. A few of them went to their bunk beds to take a nap, and about five stayed with Ulquiorra and Grimmjow. One little girl was wrapping up Grimmjow's head.

"So what's your name mister?" she asked.

"I'm Ulquiorra Schiffer," Ulquiorra replied. The girl blinked.

"Uh, can I call you Ulqui?" she asked. Ulquiorra froze, and then sighed.

"I suppose," he muttered.

"Okay! And who's he?" she asked.

"Grimmjow," Ulquiorra replied.

"Okay! I'm Suzie by the way… I think we have an old coat for Mr. Grimmy, he looks cold," the girl ran off to get a coat. Ulquiorra stared down at Grimmjow, a frown on his pale face. Grimmjow looked too vulnerable, to fragile… his sculpted chest pale against the pea green of the couch, his angular jaw missing its usual trade mark smirk…

"I'm back!" Suzie announced, putting a coat on Grimmjow. Soon after, he groggily woke up.

"Huh? What the hell?" he demanded.

"Shhhh." Ulquiorra hissed, indicating the children. IT just felt weird cussing around them.

"It's Snoopy!" one kid exclaimed, pointing to an odd looking dog playing the piano.

"…"

"…"

"…Right. So where are we?" Grimmjow asked.

"St. Jude's Orphanage," a boy chirped up.

Suddenly, the Christmas special was interrupted by a news bulletin, stating that a blizzard was coming… soon. They spouted out exact times as the wind picked up outside and ten kids stormed back in, red faced and cold.

"We're hungry!" a few exclaimed, looking at Ulquiorra meaningfully. Ulquiorra blinked.

"I don't know how to cook," he said.

"Why do we have to?" Grimmjow demanded.

"They're offering us free stay during the storm," Ulquiorra replied. Grimmjow blinked, and moved over to Ulquiorra.

"We can't just kill them, right?" he hissed.

"No, we really can't. Besides, that will attract Shinigami and we don't need them finding out about that which Lord Aizen has sent us to procure," Ulquiorra hissed back. Grimmjow scowled.

"Fine. I'll cook you all something," he muttered, slowly getting up and walking into the kitchen. Ulquiorra stared after him.

"You can cook?" he asked.

"Yeah." Grimmjow replied.

"Will it be poisonous?" Ulquiorra asked suspiciously.

"Maybe," Grimmjow smirked, rooting through the kitchen. He pulled out a brightly wrapped package of something.

"What the hell is this?" he demanded.

"It's fudge from Sister Liza," one boy said, walking in. "We're supposed to have soup,"

"Soup?" Grimmjow stared.

"Yep! We always have soup for Christmas!" the boy grinned, his freckles moving across his face with the smile. Grimmjow sighed.

"Fine. Soup it is. And later we'll have fudge," he muttered.

"Yaay fudge!" the boy exclaimed, running back into the main room to watch another Christmas special with the other kids.

Grimmjow found an ungodly large pot and filled it with water. He then began pulling out random shit from the refrigerator and chopping it up.

"Do you even know what that is?" Ulquiorra asked dubiously.

"Hell no," Grimmjow retorted. "It's just fucking soup,"

Ulquiorra opened a random cupboard, and there he saw it.

It was that which Lord Aizen wished for them to procure… a specific brand of tea called Peppernilla Xtacy, (yes, that's how it's spelled) that only came out during the Christmas season and only was sold in the Midwest.

"I found it," he said calmly, taking the box out.

"Mr. Ulqui Mr. Ulqui! Are you gonna make us tea for Christmas too?" Suzie asked. Ulquiorra turned. "That's our favourite kind of tea; Sister Liza makes it for us every year! That's… that's our last box, the factory that makes it is closing down this year,"

Ulquiorra stared at the box. It only had just enough for twenty kids. There wouldn't be one bag left to bring to Lord Aizen. And there would be no more… ever…

"Come one come on! Let's go play!" Suzie tugged at Ulquiorra's wrist and pulled him into the main room, where they had broken out the colouring books and paper and crayons. Little hands drew and drew wild pictures. Ulquiorra watched them with an odd sense of amazement. How can such little humans be so fascinated by these little pieces of wax? It was as if they were given the keys to the entire world, and were set free to do what they wished with them. Soothing music played from the TV, and the scent of ham, celery and beans wafted from the kitchen. An odd atmosphere of relaxation settled in the little orphanage as the wind picked up and snow flew around them.

After an hour or so, Grimmjow came out with soup. HE gave the youngest ones the bowls first, and then distributed the soup to everyone, grumbling under his breath, but being surprisingly nice. Once everyone was fed, the fudge was passed around. Ulquiorra discovered that fudge was very good. Humans weren't failures at everything it turns out.

Finally, it was about nine o' clock, and most of the kids were getting very sleepy.

"It's time for the tea!" Suzie announced. Grimmjow shot Ulquiorra a look, and motioned for the Cuatra Espada to come over.

"What the hell? We can't give them the tea, it's Lord Aizen's!" he hissed.  
"We can't just take it and leave them," Ulquiorra muttered in reply.

"Why the fuck not?" Grimmjow hissed.

"WE just… can't," Ulquiorra muttered.

"Fuck you're going soft! You actually care about these brats-"

"You were the one making them soup earlier,"

"I did what I had to dammit. Now we need to take the tea and go!" Grimmjow snarled. He then turned and saw that most of the kids were staring at them. He felt their little eyes… all of them examining his soul…

"… I'll go make the tea," he said quietly, slinking off to the kitchen.

"No that's okay, I'll make it!" Suzie announced, running off to the kitchen. Grimmjow shrugged, and went back to Ulquiorra, who was sitting on the couch.

"See?" Ulquiorra told Grimmjow.

"I'm never having children," Grimmjow muttered.

"Precisely," Ulquiorra agreed.

"Yeah, babies suck," one of the kids nodded, sitting next to Grimmjow. "You're cool. Are you in the army?"

"N-"

"You're just like G-I Joe! I'll bet you fight off ninjas every day!" the kid exclaimed. Grimmjow smirked.

"Not only ninjas… but tiger ninjas! They ride giant tigers that are as big as Ulqui over here!" Grimmjow bragged. Soon he was surrounded by a cloud of kids listening intently to his outlandish story about tigers and ninjas. (Well… the tiger part was pretty true though- Szayel wanted to clone some, God knows why, and they got loose.) Soon Suzie came in with steaming mugs of tea for everybody, and several kids worked on doing the dishes.

Once all was said and done, the kids all said good night to each other, and several of them threw themselves on Ulquiorra and Grimmjow in full body hugs. Both arrancar were totally unused to this, and sighed once everyone had gone to bed, and all the lights were out, leaving the two of them sitting next to each other on the couch.

Alone.

In the dark.

"… Is your head better?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Hn. Dunno," Grimmjow grunted. Ulquiorra scowled and reached over, feeling Grimmjow's head. He groped around the Sexta's hair, stopping when he came to the bump. Grimmjow tried to jerk out of Ulquiorra's grasp but ended up pulling Ulquiorra into his lap. Ulquiorra froze, as did Grimmjow. They were so close… and Grimmjow felt so warm… very warm, through Ulquiorra's thin Espada uniform. Ulquiorra shuddered involuntarily, and Grimmjow smirked.

"You like this," he whispered into the Cuatra's ear.

"No." Ulquiorra spat.

"Tough shit. I do," Grimmjow growled, and with that he mashed his lips against Ulquiorra's. The other Espada's eyes widened, his heart hammering as Grimmjow kissed him passionately, holding onto Ulquiorra's back so he couldn't get away. Soon after Ulquiorra slowly kissed back, surprising Grimmjow. Did he… was it…

Ulquiorra pulled back, his breathing slightly ragged.

"We should get going," he whispered.

"But-"

"Do you really want some child to walk in on us...?"

"Hm. I suppose…" Grimmjow muttered, standing up. Ulquiorra did so too. Clumsily, they made their way through the dark, fumbling about and stumbling over each other. Ulquiorra did this several times, and much to Grimmjow's delight the Cuatra Espada fell onto Grimmjow each time. The duo was just about to get out of the orphanage when Grimmjow ran into the cage that held Sparky, the patron porcupine of the orphanage. The creature jumped out of its now broken cage and landed on Ulquiorra's head. They stumbled outside into the snow, trying to pull the panicked animal out of their faces as it stuck both Espada with sharp spines.

Just when things couldn't get worse, Suzie ran out.

"Waait!" she exclaimed, pulling Sparky off. "You're leaving!"

"Yeah." Grimmjow grunted.

"B-but we didn't get to open presents together!" Suzie exclaimed.

"It's fine," Ulquiorra told her. Suzie ran over and hugged Grimmjow, sniffing.

"Have a Merry Christmas," she muttered.

"You too kid," Grimmjow nodded as they opened a garganta and stepped in…

"… and that's how we're here," Grimmjow finished. (Of course, he left out the kissing part.)

Aizen glared down at the two.

"That is hardly an excuse. You are both to be locked together in the same room for forty eight hours as punishment, and you cannot kill each other," Aizen announced.

"Aw hell, you mean I'm stuck in a room with him!" Grimmjow exclaimed, winking at Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra caught on and sneered.

"Stupid trash messing up the mission,"

"Me? Hell, you're the one who fucked up!"

"You're the one who fell on the ice,"

"You're the one who couldn't' say now to the children!"

"You couldn't either-"

"OUT!" Aizen roared. They both stalked off followed by Gin, their delighted jailor.

Just before Gin locked them both in their 'prison', he chuckled.

"Now now, don't ya forget ta use condoms," he told them in a chiding tone as he closed the door. Grimmjow and Ulquiorra stared at each other.

"…He knew…?"

"I guess," Ulquiorra sighed.

"…" Grimmjow watched Ulquiorra carefully, then swung him around and pinned him to a wall. Smirking, the man attacked Ulquiorra's lips, nipping and sucking here and there and eliciting a soft whimper-like sound from the usually stoic Ulquiorra. The Cuatra laced his pale fingers in Grimmjow's hair, pulling the two men closer together, craving the feel of the other's skin against his own. The ugly coat was shredded off, and Grimmjow reached into his pocket to pull out the condom he usually kept around at all times (never know when you may need one).

Instead, he pulled out a packet of Peppernilla Xtacy. The very, last packet. In sloppy handwriting was the words 'Merry Christmas'.

"…"

-Fin.


End file.
